Confession

Play this song while reading, I wrote this entry while listening to this song:

I've finally come to realize that today is a day. That I'd been waiting for... Come to think of it, it's really emotional to be writing something like that but I feel better after writing it down. Plus, i think that i need to write this down to constantly remind me of what is happening..

Now, I'm going to blog. something that i wanted to say, but i didn't.

Ever since young... people around me, always will say this. 'Wah Kife, I'm envious of you. You have lots of friends.' Yay, and i do agree with them. I have lot of friends. I can name them one by one.. I remember their names, their faces & their laughter..

Then suddenly one day.. this question popped by... 'Who is your best friend.' I was so bothered by it, because there are so many of them.. One by one. thinking here and there.. Who is my best friend? Who? You? him? her????

I've been asking myself. and i finally came to this conclusion ...

I don't have a best friend.

Though, i filled the question with a name, but in my heart that person isn't my best friend. Seriously, i don't know what i want and i don't know how to find it.

Also, i can't define the term 'best friend'.. Because basically, i think that everyone in my life are special to me.. I'm always the one being the 'HOLY' guy because i have this ongoing personality, that maybe is overcoming myself. Thinking of it now makes me feel like ... erm.. i don't know how to phrase this. but is like. i treat you people - that good. and what i have in return?

I'm constantly going on, no matter what, and i think maybe because of that, people think that i'm friendly, i have lots of friends, and i will always be happy no matter what. But that doesn't mean that i don't need anyone to care about me. I mean seriously. everytime when i'm sad, i don't know who to talk to.

I can't cry, because i don't like to be said that i'm weak. etc. I'm strong myself. I have confidence..And everytime i tell myself ya, i have a best friend. but who?

Yes i have a best friend. a 'Best friend' I always thought that this person is different from the rest. Really different. I reached my secondary part of my life. and found someone who really fits that. I mean this person, told me about almost everything happening in his/her life. & I really. Really put in a lot of effort to enhance our friendship each and every time.

Come to think of it. believing that i really have a best friend is ... stupid. I have a best friend. I looked at every one else, they text one another daily. without fail. blah blah. Me? Did i receive a text today? If yes. i mean WOW people remember me and cherish me.

Please, I won't receive a text other than me, texting people first & they reply me. I mean, i'm always the one doing this and that for you. All i wanted is you to accept me as a best friend because i cherish you. you're my 'Best Friend'.

However, you're constantly around with other people. and as time goes by, we drifted and drifted further apart. Now. I really don't understand you. I've always thought that, yes. I totally understand you.

Each and everytime i took the effort to put ourselves close. I seriously cannot say that you didn't put in efforts into our friendship. I know you put in.. but i can't feel it. I believe what i see. and that's what I see. I see you comforting other people, texting them. Putting a lot of efforts and attention in them..

I know, to you. maybe i don't need that much of attention anymore. Because we're 'BEST FRIENDS' Or maybe because I'm putting in a lot of effort into our friendship that you think is unnecessary for you to put in anything..

Or maybe. you think that our friendship is that strong.. Stronger than anyone else.. I can tell you this. NO. I've always been the one afraid of losing you. Yes i'm afraid that i would lose you somehow . some day. You? i really don't know.

You can say that i'm jealous of you, putting efforts into other friendships than ours. I can tell you this now. Yes i'm jealous. I'm really jealous of that. I think it's unfair. Unfair for me. putting in so much, I've always been there by your side.. whenever you need me. I will be there for you.

Whenever i need you? Are you there beside me?

Or maybe you think that, i'm so positive. that i was never sad.

Everytime i want to give up on you. i hold back. I don't know why.. Maybe because you're really important to me.

Do you know why i'm writing this now?

Because i'm awake.

It took me this few days to think. constantly thinking about this. Whenever i think that. it's okay nevermind. but i can't...

I can't forget that incident. You shouted at me... silent me.. BECAUSE YOU'RE TALKING TO YOUR FREAKING BEST FRIEND.

Ya. I'm angry. Of cos I am. I didn't tell you that i was angry. I bet you didn't even know.

Because to you...

I'm just a nobody.